Where Things Stand: 2023 NFL Edition Part 2
Week 6 at WTS headquarters was a raucous one for everyone involved.
As Editor Brandon Lewis and I battled in our Fantasy Football League matchup with our other Black Squirrel Radio alum, the final two unbeaten NFL teams went down. Pop the champagne, 1972 Dolphins!!
The next evening, I pulled away with the victory over our forever editor after letting him draft Jalen Hurts to have his Eagles stack with A.J. Brown. Karma rewarded me for being nice. Mindy, Randy and Jason were on my side in the office betting pool while Paul, Zack and Allison all sided with Brandon (traitors!).
On the other hand, Karma was not so kind to too many of the NFL teams these last five weeks.
Hell, Samuel L. Jackson calling out the ‘First Take’ crew after that topsy-turvy Week 6 was one of the best tweets over the last few weeks.
Oh, I see the fiery destruction I am about to inflict upon the land as several narratives have taken shape. So many teams from last time are finally going to be eviscerated, and I do owe at least one apology.
Where are my manners?! If you haven’t caught up on the first edition for 2023, click the Part 1 link to go catch up.
After beating Brandon, I decided the interns we had on hand would be sent out to the West Coast for a vacation. We are also in the process of hiring one more intern, but that’s all I can disclose.
Speaking of the interns (plus associates), Paul, Mindy, Randy, Zack and Jason all ran across former-Intern Diann (Allison never met Diann before). They sent a selfie in the group chat, and it was awesome to hear what she’d been up to. Diann has been enjoying her best life while Brandon and I have been stuck here in the cold.
We have important business! We couldn’t take a vacation or else who else would write this?
We may solve that ‘cold’ problem in short order if our final tests on the latest secret project bear fruit (and we may reveal this one to you, unlike that other secret project that got the Fort Knox treatment). We’ll need our associates and interns back in the lab to make sure nothing goes haywire. We can’t have Connor Stalions stealing our blueprints, or it’ll mean the end of everything!! This is the one thing he cannot ever get his hands on.
I have never been more tempted to start with a division other than the AFC East in this edition, but we must stick to tradition.
Let’s get rolling, Brandon!
DISCLAIMER: The views in WTS are mine and mine alone, with some exaggeration and hyperbole here and there.
*Note: All team page hyperlinks are to ESPN.
AFC East
Miami: 3–1 | Part 2: 6–3
Buffalo: 3–1 | Part 2: 5–4
NY Jets: 1–3 | Part 2: 4–4
Patriots: 1–3 | Part 2: 2–7
State of the AFC East
Miami: I love these Dolphins, but there’s a problem.
If you find a way to hold them below 21 points, they can’t win. When that happens, either the passing game of Tua Tagovailoa, Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle goes quiet, or Raheem Mostert is bottled up in the ground game.
Speaking of Mostert, who remembers him from when he balled out for San Francisco?
If you don’t, I understand. He’s flown under the radar for a little while. Mostert is as talented as they come, but he won’t ever be fully appreciated.
Anyway, now we’re here. You have a lead on Buffalo through nine games. If the Bills Mafia gets hot, you cannot afford to screw up and lose more than one game (and it can’t be to Buffalo. They already beat you once).
Let’s see what Mike McDaniel can conjure up to fix these offensive letdowns.
Buffalo: Hey, Buffalo?
Why have you dropped three of your last five games? You have four losses nine weeks in and are treading in dangerous waters.
Josh Allen hasn’t regressed, so what’s the issue? The Bills activated Josh Allen run mode, and he hasn’t been affected by the Madden Cover curse.
Did losing Tre’Davious White and Matt Milano really hurt that badly? I’m honestly at a loss for words here.
Get your act together, Bills Mafia. You’re supposed to make sure The Evil Empire stays buried 10-feet under.
New York: Jets fans, we need to talk.
Zach Wilson has done an admirable job filling in for Aaron Rodgers. You’re 4–4 after the Week 9 Monday Night Football massacre you suffered against the Chargers.
This just isn’t your year. Rodgers won’t make it back in time to deliver you to the postseason. It’s the truth.
So please, enjoy the season. Don’t expect postseason football is all I’ll say. I’m being kind here because it sucks, and you are going to have a hard time getting there.
New England: The Patriots are actually a terrible football team. I finally… FINALLY can say those words.
However, Bill Belichick got his 300th win. Want to guess who the victim was?
If you said the Buffalo Bills, you’d be correct! Urinating Tree put it best:
These Patriots are god-awful without Tom Brady, and Mac Jones keeps regressing. It’s astonishing as for most of my life, I’ve only ever known the Patriots being a good football team. The whispers and thoughts of an exit for Belichick have intensified despite reportedly receiving a lucrative contract extension.
Bill, I hear your former offensive coordinator just became a free agent. He’s the only one who had success with Jones. Perhaps you should bring him back into the fold as a ‘consultant.’
Knowing Belichick, he’ll probably bring in Connor Stalions instead if he hasn’t already.
What?! You really think I’m not gonna take my shots at Michigan here? It’s the easiest layup to a Spygate 2.0 scandal joke. One that I really need Mindy and Paul’s help to craft up.
BRANDON!! I NEED THE INTERNS AND ASSOCIATES BACK ASAP!! I MADE A MISTAKE SENDING THEM AWAY!!
AFC North
Baltimore: 3–1 | Part 2: 7–2
Pittsburgh: 2–2 | Part 2: 5–3
Cleveland: 2–2 | Part 2: 5–3
Cincinnati: 1–3 | Part 2: 5–3
State of the AFC North:
Baltimore: Baltimore might be a true contender. Sure, they have a lot of ups and downs, but 37–3 over Seattle?
The Ravens need to put Lamar Jackson in bubble wrap, stat! Any injury to his lower extremities will be the end of the season for John Harbaugh’s crew.
I hate you with all of my heart, yet I also respect you.
Guess what, Ravens! The NFL has a reward for your success.
YOU GET TO PLAY IN THE NFL’s 2023 DIVISION OF DEATH! EVERYONE IS TWO WINS ABOVE .500!!
Lamar will need to prove his worth in gold. Good luck and get out!
Pittsburgh: “I DO NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE HAS TO SAY! Minkah Fitzpatrick played a dirty hit on Nick Chubb, and I will never be convinced otherwise. It’s the Steeler Way, after all: Injure your opponents until they can’t do sh*t!
I held you in such high regard, Minkah. I’m utterly disappointed.
I hope Karma bites you in the ass real hard. Not by physical injury, but certainly team performance.”
Well, Karma chose physical injury as Minkah Fitzpatrick’s punishment. My bloodlust has been satiated.
Moving on, I had a very unique experience since we left off in Part 1. In Week 5, I was in a lair of Yinzers in enemy territory.
That’s right. One side of the family has a majority hailing from Pittsburgh. They’re lovely people, and we had a nice dinner with grilled steak bites, chicken, cooked jalapenos and everything.
The true takeaway from this trip was seeing the ups-and-downs of my one side of the extended family going through three-plus hours of Steelers football.
Their wrath and fury over Matt Canada was reaching a fever pitch during the game. You may read my observations of such an intriguing sight on the Twitter thread below (I WILL NEVER PROPERLY CALL IT ‘X’! SUE ME!).
Much like many Steelers games, the absolute voodoo magic of Mike Tomlin reigned supreme, as they beat Baltimore and proceeded to pull out several more wins, including a late victory of Tennessee in Week 9.
Wait a minute. Why did Matt Canada look upset after the Baltimore win? Did Kenny Pickett audible for the winning play?!
~I think someone’s contract will conveniently expire this January.~
Cleveland: I 100% thought I’d be ripping the Browns to shreds. Deshaun Watson was out with his “week-to-week” shoulder injury, and the team had to rely on Dorian Thompson-Robinson and P.J. Walker after the Bye Week (with a brief Watson cameo Week 7 against Indianapolis).
Yet, when the ever-reliable ‘Gut-punch’ went off, and the Browns should have lost against San Francisco, this happened:
A shank by Jake Moody. I literally was at a stoplight, foot on brake, and I yelled out “WHAT?!” and put my hands on my head in utter shock hearing the radio call.
The Browns had the power of high-end talent and bull**** bail them out like the Steelers do all the time.
Not to mention the Browns defense played so well, Myles Garrett was practicing his crossover again.
Fast forward to the Dolts: The same thing happened! Gut-punch goes off, Browns won! I have never been more shocked or happy in my life. TWO WEEKS IN A ROW!!!
It would not happen three straight games, with Seattle being a loss that hurt but crushing the Cardinals really made me feel good because they have been the bane of my existence. You’ll read more when we get to Arizona.
All-in-all, 3–1 after the Bye Week, and we still have a mystery box with Watson every week that Cleveland will need to deal with.
In conclusion, I went easy today because you finally crushed Arizona. You all seriously have no idea how badly I wanted the Browns to throttle that freaking franchise. NO MORE, YOU DAMNED RED BIRDS!!!
Cincinnati: “Hey, Ja’Marr Chase! Have you ever heard the fable of “The Browns is the Browns” from the Book of Juju?
How did the “Cleveland is Cleveland” bit work out for ya?! If you have the confidence to back it up, then you can take your shredding like a man because those so-called “Elves” certainly kicked your Tiger asses. That includes brand new big money man Joe Burrow.”
It’s been a long time since an apology has been owed. The Bengals have won four in a row over the past five weeks.
Well done, Cincinnati. You’ve got the ship moving in the right direction.
Joe Burrow is smokin’ hot on the gridiron, and he will crush anyone who stands in his way like Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Terminator. No souls will be spared (see Buffalo).
I will say there is one caveat for you and my two uncles on the other side of the family: Three losses.
There is ABSOLUTELY ZERO room for error right now. Another loss will be the equivalent of a death knell for the season. Cincy is playing with fire.
Still, if Burrow is going to play like Joe Burrow again, there may not be too much cause for concern.
AFC South
Jacksonville: 2–2 | Part 2: 6–2
Houston: 2–2 | Part 2: 4–4
Indianapolis: 2–2 | Part 2: 4–5
Tennessee: 2–2 | Part 2: 3–5
State of the AFC South:
Jacksonville: Here’s more of the Jaguars I thought we’d be getting this year! A 6–2 record going into your Week 9 Bye Week and a nice cushion atop the division.
Enjoy a Travis Ettiene game breaking run. Now where did File ‘Duval Boss’ go? Damn, I should have kept Intern Zack here at least.
I probably eviscerated Urban Meyer for drafting the guy in the first round a few years ago, with James Robinson still a competent rusher, but Meyer did something GOOD for Trevor Lawrence by getting him his former Clemson teammate as a weapon.
Ettiene is moving up the hierarchy of NFL running backs at an astounding pace. As an Ettiene fantasy manager, please don’t let him get injured.
Houston: “Hold on, C.J. Stroud beat Pittsburgh?!
RANDY! Get me a suitable GIF here! Stroud is a hero!”
There are times when I have a narrative written and then something comes along to completely flip everything on its head.
C.J. Stroud’s five-touchdown Week 9 win over Tampa Bay wasn’t that moment. I came across a YouTube video on the dark past of the former Ohio State Buckeye that makes Stroud’s journey to the NFL even more incredible.
Because the NFL ~loves~ to block embeds on Medium, here’s the hyperlink. I highly suggest watching the story. It’s gut-wrenching at times.
Look, Bryce Young has a lot of talent, though after you watch that video of Stroud’s life, you cannot tell me you’re rooting against Stroud. Unless Houston kept putting out the pre-draft slander to get him to fall, shame on everyone who tried to slam C.J. in the pre-draft process.
Stroud will be a Super Bowl Champion no later than the 2029–30 regular season WITH HOUSTON.
Indianapolis: TIMEOUT!!
Before we get to the real narrative, we have a Gardner Minshew alert we missed in Part 1! THE MUSTACHE IS BACK, BABY!! And Mr. Minshew Mania looks like he ain’t playing around.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
~Ahem~.
You. Are. FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!
Anthony Richardson had season ending surgery already?! You extended Jonathan Taylor (LIKE YOU SHOULD!), yet lose Richardson?!
God damn you, Dolts! You seriously are ruining football careers again like Andrew Luck. We get the luxury of witnessing Minshew Mania once again, but why do you keep killing off your quarterbacks.
At some point soon, Ryan Grigson may find himself off the hook like Chuck Pagano before him. Jim Irsay better figure this mess out pronto! We don’t need another whale incident.
Tennessee: If not for voodoo magic, the Will Levis era for Tennessee would be off to a 2–0 start.
Alas, Mike Tomlin knows how to keep his job by posting .500 or better records despite somehow not having the talent that you’d expect to get you there.
Though in Week 8, it seems Mike Vrabel FINALLY remembered he has DeAndre ‘Nuk’ Hopkins.
Chuck the ball to Nuk, and good things will happen. BRANDON, ANY OF THE WEEK 8 TD CLIPS YOU CAN FIND FOR NUK! FILE NUK!!
The Titans are unlikely (I didn’t say impossible) to make the playoffs. Will Levis pulling a Wally Pipp on Ryan Tannehill may have saved a lot of jobs in Nashville.
AFC West
Kansas City: 3–1 | Part 2: 7–2
LA Chargers: 2–2 | Part 2: 4–4
Las Vegas: 1–3 | Part 2: 4–5
Denver: 1–3 | Part 2: 3–5
State of the AFC West:
Kansas City: I hear all the media talk as if the sky is falling over at Arrowhead.
Here’s the reality: You lose a lot of talent after winning a Super Bowl. The Chiefs also have more teams limiting their offensive scheme.
How is that possible, you ask?
The simple answer is making Kansas City take the short plays. Teams are refusing to allow the deep balls by Patrick Mahomes burn them like they did in the past. Even if it’s dinks and dunks, it’s more manageable that way.
Oh, and the book is out on Mahomes by now. Do fans really think there’s not a way to stop them now compared to the past?
The Chiefs are the new version of the Patriots. So much so, we may have a new invitational division.
Time for me to FaceTime Paul and let him know we’re going to need to break out the gateway.
LA Chargers: “We can only pray that Herbert doesn’t go through the same torture as Philip Rivers.”
Justin Herbert is already going through the torture. He is damned without a proper head coach.
I declare Brandon Staley a hack and demand his immediate firing no later than Black Monday. I want heads to roll this year, as my bloodlust swells for carnage!!
IT’S TIME FOR-
*Brandon: I had to subdue Sean’s power trip with Kool-Aid. He’s okay. He just needs the interns back to ease the pressure on him. Give him a moment, and he’ll move onto Las Vegas.*
Ooookaayyyy! I’m feeling a little better after that nap. Now we go to the Sin City.
Las Vegas: “You’re an irrelevant mess because Josh McDaniels can’t learn to adapt. Not to mention whatever is happening with the since-released Chandler Jones.
You’ve also got Davante Adams wanting out. I’m not surprised.
Take this one time mercy card and get out! I’ll have more words for you next time if you haven’t shaped up.
ASSOCIATE PAUL!! Break out the Raiders’ moniker list! We have options to sort through.”
Oh. My. God!
The hack of a ‘coach’ that is Josh McDaniels and General Manager Dave Ziegler were both CANNED by Mark Davis!
This is so unbelievable. There have been rumors about Davis being short on cash, especially with Jon Gruden collecting his money following his “resignation” but even Al’s son had enough.
The embarrassing loss to Detroit (the Lions are good, don’t take it the wrong way) where you can’t even hit Davante Adams wide open downfield was fireable. Keeping Jimmy G, who failed his initial physical, was fireable as well.
After barely a year-and-a-half, McDaniels and Ziegler are flung into the abyss and crawling on their hands and knees back to The Hoodie in Foxborough.
I don’t know how much of a boost the interim HC-GM tandem of Antonio Pierce and Champ Kelly will be for the Raiders, but it should hopefully be even a marginal upgrade than what came before.
Even though Mark Davis’ sin of not retaining Rich Bisaccia has not been expunged, his post-Week 8 firings stave off what would have been a new moniker for the Raiders. You are awarded a second straight mercy card as a result.
Fair warning: You escaped from that punishment by the skin of your teeth, Mark. Any more big-time implosions, and I will bring the hammer down HARD.
Denver: ~Congratulations! You beat the Chiefs and a Packers team that doesn’t possess a franchise-caliber quarterback for the first time since Feb. 11, 1992!~
Do ya really think that gets ya out of the doghouse, Bronc-lows?!
I am sorry to inform you that it doesn’t (but a $2.418 billion donation to my bank account from the Walton family can change my tune)! I am not putting this mess on ownership (yet), but everyone else has been complicit in letting this operation continue.
Maybe Sean Payton is the right coach, but Russell Wilson is a quarterback that is hard to trust right now. The defense is a shell of its glory days as well.
Vance Joseph’s prior two-year stint as Denver’s head coach before coming back as the defensive coordinator (an actual rarity to see. The man has some humility!) has only made the defense look worse.
Bronc-lows, I have a proposition: If you finish the season 9–8, you will be rewarded with your honor restored.
If you don’t, there is only one other scenario. Go 8–9, get your point differential above from -54 to better than -10, play actually competent team football and DON’T end up in a tie. If you tie somebody, I will go ballistic with having to see my formatting go to hell yet again.
__________________
Before I get to the shredding and absolute annihilation of several NFC teams, we must turn the Part 2 Philly narrative over to editor Brandon Lewis.
Not only did I beat him in Week 6 Fantasy Football, but his Eagles lost to the Jets in embarrassing fashion. You have no idea how close I came to reinstituting the Fleagles moniker for that utter failure
Weeks 5–9 Brandon, plus everything else. Give us the lowdown on the City of Brotherly Shove!
__________________
NFC East
Philly: 4–0 | Part 2: 8–1
Dallas: 3–1 | Part 2: 5–3
Washington: 2–2 | Part 2: 4–5
NY Giants: 1–3 | Part 2: 2–7
State of the NFC East:
Philadelphia: “Thank You, Sean!
Now that I’ve Brotherly Shoved my way into this space, let’s tell the story of the 2023 Philadelphia Eagles (and don’t get me started on the NFL trying to ban the Brotherly Shove! It’s a legal play/formation. The rest of the league doesn’t have the best center in football or a 600-pound squatting QB. Deal with it!)
Man, I’m not going to lie. That game that took place on Feb. 12, 2023, in Glendale, Ariz., hurt, in more ways than just the final score. While winning Super Bowl LVII made the loss hurt a little less, I’m not going to sugarcoat it: This season means more to me than most, and there’s nothing I want more than to be holding up the Lombardi Trophy in Allegiant Stadium on Feb. 11.
Howie Roseman did not rest on his morals. The man just knows how to build a football team! From the now-Georgia Bulldogs defense, to the additions of D’Andre Swift and Kevin Byard, the Eagles are loaded, and unlike some of the other teams in the league, battle tested.
There were concerns going into the season about losing both Shane Steichen (which I was upset about) and Jonathan Gannon (good riddance!), but Sean Desai has done a masterful job with the defense, and Brian Johnson has done his part with the offense, which has actually scored the same number of points per game this year (28) as last year. It just looks different this year, as A.J. Brown has become even more of a monster, and Jalen Hurts has turned the ball over more. Nick Sirianni’s ball club rarely punts. The only way to stop Philadelphia is the turnovers (see the Jets game and both matchups with the Commanders). Hurts may not even be 100% (maybe not even close), and he’s playing at an MVP caliber level. A path to Vegas is in sight.
And right before this narrative finished, Sirianni spoke at a press conference on Nov. 7 and admitted he INSTALLED plays for his son’s football team!
The guy is impossible to root for! Who doesn’t love a coach who’s addicted to football?!”
Excellent insight as always, Brandon! Now I know you’ll love what comes next with “America’s Team!”
Dallas: ~How ‘bout dem Cowboys!~
All of you and your Bandwagon fans lost to Philadelphia again! HOW DOES IT FEEL?! Ya wanna talk about it?!
You really choked it. You know what ya did, right?!
Every time you lose, America wins. I have nothing against Dak Prescott or CeeDee Lamb. I have everything against the Hack that is Mike McCarthy and wanting to absolutely blast you for choking three times this year.
Arizona.
San Francisco.
A swarm of Eagles.
There is no new moniker, but y’all aren’t winning the Super Bowl. Enjoy an early playoff exit, Jerry boy!
Washington: I can no longer ignore Ron Rivera’s incompetence.
YOU WENT FOR THE EXTRA POINT INSTEAD OF THE KILL BECAUSE YOUR OFFENSE WAS TIRED?!
This is bordering on stupidity like Colt McCoy throwing balls into the turf against Denver years ago. Absolutely asinine. YOU HAD PHILLY ON THE ROPES, AND YOU WANT TO TIE IT!? Have some damn pride (and a spine)!
Rivera has seemingly been checked out for well over a year now. There have been baffling decisions made on the field during games and his inability to know situational football.
It’s a lot deeper than that. Dan Snyder can no longer be the well you go to as the source of blame. How much Josh Harris’ ownership group (which also includes Magic Johnson) may be meddling with operations is currently unknown.
We had our celebration with the expulsion of Snyder. Now it’s back to business.
I’m still keeping an eye on you, Josh Harris. Don’t do it.
Frauds: “You get five more weeks and then I decide if the fraud meter was correct. You don’t want to know what the “Or else!” statement meant.”
HELLO FRAUDS!!!
Your fate has been decided. The Giants are dead! Long live the New Jersey Frauds!!
That’s right. The Jets get to lay some claim to New York because I said so. You play in New Jersey, which makes you even more fraudulent.
Brian Daboll, why did you dial up a run play against Buffalo at the end of the half with NO TIMEOUTS REMAINING!?
INEXCUSABLE!! YOU PULLED A HUE JACKSON! AUTOMATIC FIREABLE OFFENSE!! Hell, you barely even have an offense!
Daniel Jones is injured. You lost to the Zach Wilson-led Jets! And you somehow were coach of the year last year!
You even had Justin Pugh coming “Straight off the couch” for christ’s sake (Sarcasm)!
The ax will be swift, and I will relish it!! Be grateful I didn’t include every f***up here.
Oh yeah, and Jones sustained a new injury: A torn ACL!!
You guys are f****d!
NFC North
Detroit: 3–1 | Part 2: 6–2
Minnesota: 1–3 | Part 2: 5–4
Green Bay: 2–2 | Part 2: 3–5
Chicago: 0–4 | Part 2: 2–7
State of the NFC North:
Detroit: The Lions have maintained a lead on the rest of the division. While most folks keep talking about Jordan Love, spread the love to Dan Campbell and Jared Goff.
I (like so many others) left Goff for dead a few years ago. Look at him now! He may not be the bona fide №1 pick like his draft status was, but he’s been an absolute pro.
I cannot wait until they clinch the division. We will celebrate Detroit’s ascension on that day.
Green Bay: I don’t feel sorry for the Packers.
I really, really don’t. Since Feb. 11, 1992, to January 2023, Green Bay had a franchise quarterback in place. Brett Favre and then Aaron Rodgers.
You’re 3–5. Jordan Love is not the answer. Ticking off Rodgers with an overdraft for a guy who lost against Sean Lewis and Kent State in a bowl game was the beginning of the end.
Welcome to the rest of the NFL along with New England. Enjoy this reality check for the next decade!
Man, do I feel very snarky today!
Minnesota: Everyone, Kirk Cousins has been lost to the Battle of Achilles (tendons).
He was balling and actually bringing Minnesota back from 1–3 to 4–4 before he met a cruel fate like so many others.
We messaged old friend Quentin Griffin for comment on the loss of Captain Kirk. He texted back the following:
“Worst I’ve ever felt about a Vikings win in my entire life.”
Quentin has seen the highs and the lows, and that is a damning statement. Vikings, you shall not be punished (barring Daboll or worse level screwups) for most things the rest of the way for the loss of Cousins.
Though can we talk about how Jordan Addison is a baller? Brandon, I need a clip from Week 8! Put it in File 3.
Wait… Joshua Dobbs did what in Week 9?!
Chicago: Matt Eberflus had to fire another coach on his staff for inappropriate or other conduct, and there isn’t a culture problem?
How can you look people in the eyes and say that with a serious expression? De Bums have kept De Bumming this season and have started to break Justin Fields physically before the mental trauma takes hold.
Tyson Bagent is a Division II backup quarterback. How do you not have a Nick Foles or Carson Wentz?!
We all laugh at Chicago.
Now run along! I have better things to do than keep dealing with you, De Bums.
NFC South
New Orleans: 2–2 | Part 2: 5–4
Atlanta: 2–2 | Part 2: 4–5
Tampa Bay: 3–1 | Part 2: 3–5
Carolina: 0–4 | Part 2: 1–7
State of the NFC South:
New Orleans: Okay, this fan wins the award for best midseason sign!
I cannot believe that Amazon would put that up on their own broadcast, though it was probably 100% worth seeing how many Saints fans would actually try to search for offense among the online retailer’s plethora of options.
Hold up, why are the Saints winning the NFC South? What is happening here??
I would have my stats, but the interns are on vacation!! Brandon, why didn’t I at least keep Zack here for screwing up last year?!
If you let the team right on your tail win the division, you won’t hear the end of it from me, New Orleans.
Atlanta: There it is! A below .500 record for the Fall Down Cons. Things are a little more normal now.
I have to ask one thing: Why wasn’t Bijan Robinson listed on the injury report a few weeks ago with an illness?
I am not one of the people who drafted Bijan in fantasy football, but damn did Arthur Smith ever screw over thousands of fantasy football matchups across America that week.
Smith even delved into a five-minute long explanation of why Bijan doesn’t get more touches in the red zone. If that doesn’t scream ‘Hack’ to anyone, I don’t know what will.
Yet somehow, Atlanta is within striking distance of the division lead.
NEW ORLEANS!! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER, SO I CAN KEEP MY PERENNIAL NFC SOUTH PUNCHING BAG!!
Before I forget, a quick round of applause to Calais Campbell for his “100 Sack Give Back” initiative. BRAVO!!
Tampa Bay: “I want Baker Mayfield back in Brown and Orange.
…
Look, I will always have a soft spot for Baker Mayfield. Only a few exceptions in this world would change that.
Wait a minute! We have a time machine! SOMEONE GET THE FUELING STARTED!!!”
We went back to the night before the Texans game and told Baker what would happen if he sustained the shoulder/labrum injury against the Texans. He thanked us for our advice and in that reality, the Browns won the Super Bowl, with Odell Beckham actually earning Super Bowl MVP honors with an intact ACL.
OBJ signed a contract extension with the Browns, and Deshaun Watson went to Atlanta. Mayfield was rewarded with a handsome guarantee to stay in Cleveland for the long term.
The Browns would lose to Mahomes and the Chiefs in last year’s AFC Title game in what will be remembered as the greatest game played for the rest of time, with seven passing touchdowns each in what was a throwback to the Texas Tech-Oklahoma game when the two went nuts in college. The Browns lost in typical and painful fashion: A shanked field goal by Cade York in overtime, leading to the same Super Bowl result in our current timeline.
If only multiverse theory allowed us to correct our current timeline. We can only help our now branched off parallel universe.
In our reality, Mayfield and the Bucs haven’t been pulling away with this abomination of a division.
Something tells me Todd Bowles may not be long for Tampa Bay. Call it a hunch. When you lose four straight after a 3–1 start, that doesn’t exactly scream ‘job security.’
Carolina: “I should be able to easily shred an 0–4 football team, but it feels so hard.
I mean, Bryce Young has looked good and also had some rookie moments.
We’ll revisit Carolina in Part 2. I need some more tape to look over.”
Okay, we finally have some results. Thank the heavens I got Mindy to do a quick report out on the West Coast prior to publication.
The results: Carolina is a bad football team, and Bryce Young is going to get killed.
Look, Bryce is a rookie, and we’re not going to know about his long-term fate for a while. I mean, did I think Frank Reich would have this team better than 1–7?
Absolutely.
Do I think CJ Stroud should have been the pick?
Yes, but he’d be in the same situation as Young is now. No one was going to fix Carolina immediately without a DJ Moore-type wideout on your side (a price Carolina paid to take their hopeful long term signal caller).
NFC West
San Fran: 4–0 | Part 2: 5–3
Seattle: 3–1 | Part 2: 5–3
LA Rams: 2–2 | Part 2: 3–6
Arizona: 1–3 | Part 2: 1–8
State of the NFC West:
San Francisco: Ummmmm… What happened?
Are you okay, San Francisco? Did losing in Cleveland do irreparable damage to Brock Purdy’s psyche?
I’m at a loss here. Three straight losses and now the 49ers have the fraud meter fluctuating.
It’s very subtle, but it is going off on the low end of the scale. Perhaps having a full slate of data on Purdy has revealed a flaw no one else had this season prior to Cleveland.
All we know is Kyle Shannahan better fix this mess soon. You traded a third-rounder for a rental Chase Young.
I don’t want excuses for what may arguably be the best defensive line with Cleveland and Philadelphia.
Super Bowl or bust, 49ers. If it doesn’t happen this year, the window slams shut. We’ve seen it time and again, and I’m calling it now.
Seattle: Like San Francisco, I don’t know how to make heads or tails of the 12’s.
Some weeks, they look decent. Then, there’s Week 9, where… It’s best if we don’t show you the footage.
Geno Smith might be both the medium term answer AND a god of false hope.
We need more time for evaluation.
LA Rams: I have things to say about the Rams right now, but we’re circling back to Sean McVay’s crew in Part 3. I want to let some things play out.
What is it with the NFC West being an inconclusive mess?! A few years ago, this was a ‘Division of Death.’
Arizona: I may have mentioned this in the Cleveland section, but it felt REALLY good seeing the Browns PULVERIZE YOU INTO OBLIVION!!!
It’s been 20 years since the last time Cleveland beat your sorry franchise. The 2007 Browns got screwed out of a playoff berth for Joe Thomas because of terrible replay.
I was at the 2015 game in person at FirstEnergy, as the Cards absolutely broke me for the next two years until Mayfield showed up.
Then came 2019 and 2021.
While you didn’t necessarily deserve a shredding, this. Was. PERSONAL!!
You were crushed, decimated and saw your NPC of a quarterback get pancaked all day long against the Browns’ defense.
I’m happy now. As for Jonathan Gannon and his squad…
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU RUIN MY GOOD MOOD!!
So, after a short deliberation, Part 3 will remain on schedule for a Dec. 7 release covering Weeks 10–13. I haven’t had much of a chance to catch my breath, but I’ll finally have a moment after so many hours in the lab the past week.
Plug it into your calendars! We’ll have our interns and associates back, and the hopeful revelation of the newest secret project!
For Brandon Lewis, we’ll see you in December!
Sean Fitzgerald is an award-winning journalist, writer, sports reporter, voiceover talent and podcaster. Follow him on Twitter @fitzonsportsbsr for insights, articles and occasional livestreams, as well as bi-weekly columns here on medium.com.
